12:44 am
Exhausted. Cried in the shower. There goes my streak.
Grandma’s church ceremony actually had a pretty decent turnout…maybe 50 or so people who came and went. She looked beautiful with her makeup…and they even gave her some pearl earrings.
Parts of the service were difficult for me, and I was fighting back tears. Janet was there and was just so incredibly supportive. We wound up spending the remainder of the day together after Dad took us all out to lunch at TGIFs. I’ve been eating awful for the last few weeks- especially since I’ve been up here and not exercising.
The church/cemetery where grandma was buried wasn’t bad- built in the mid 1800s- it’s a little run down. I stole some pictures of her casket being lowered in as well as of her in the casket. I guess you could say I’m morbid. I just miss her. I think back to all of the things that I could’ve done that I maybe didn’t, and there is no guilt. Short of me just giving up having a life at all in order to move in and take care of grandma…I know for a fact that she wouldn’t want me to feel guilty- or sad…but the truth is…I’m miserable…and depressed.
Janet took me to get my nails done earlier, and while I was sitting there, nothing but sad songs seemed to be playing on the radio- then when my nails were drying, I looked in the mirror and noticed that they had the SAME EXACT DRESSER as the one my mom had bought for grandma. It was everything I could do not to lose it right then and there.
I know that she is already gone, but the thought of seeing her body in those pretty clothes with her makeup done so nicely and then the thought of the cold, snowy, muddy ground…the sound of shovels and a back hoe..and the sight of tons of dirt being dumped on top of the casket that held her beautiful, lifeless body…
1:01 am
