janelle studdard

12:01 am

I will not say ‘bye’ for good.

I will simply say ‘good bye’ for now.

God gave us this incredible gift to be able to give love and receive love-

to enjoy intimacy-

to laugh and rejoice in celebration.

But the emotion that we often fail to understand 

is that of sadness.

But God doesn’t do things in vain.

Sadness is there for a reason-

to teach us or remind us of something perhaps.

When our loved ones fall ill or die, we demand reasons:

• Why did this happen?
• Why would God allow this person (who means so much to me) to be taken away?

Sadness does not travel alone. It is often followed by anger, resentment, regret and depression. We become angry with God and with ourselves- resenting Him for making us such inferior beings-subject to illness, death, pain…and this soon transitions into regret- regret over not keeping in touch the way you could have…and finally depression.

You are depressed after all of the dust has settled and you now realize that the person you loved is never coming back. You will never see them smile or hear their voice or be able to reach out and touch them.

You wonder, through all of this emotional pain, whether you will ever be able to find yourself- to feel whole again- to feel ok enough to just…

be happy...

Is it ok to feel happy? Is it even appropriate?

Watching my grandmother (or anyone) waste away in a hospital bed is a harsh (and humbling) experience. There is a great sense of powerlessness that you want to trade places or be able to do something-anything to make them better again.

But you can’t.

So you panic: 

“I’m not ready for her to die…”

You take it out on others:

“Someone has to be at fault here for her current condition…Why, if the nurse had been doing her job…”

You break out the “Wii” game:

What If I?….had been there more?….had asked different questions?

We are SO wrapped up in ourselves, what we did or didn’t do as well as how we are feeling that we often miss important signs. We should be focused on that person’s life and what they might have wanted.

Even if you didn’t see eye to eye, what would they have ultimately wanted? And if you honestly don’t know and cannot find someone who might, then do the best you can. After all, people can’t really fault you if you’ve really given your best effort, can they?

I anxiously looked around me. Where was the sign that I was so sure I was going to get? Maybe, just maybe- the signs were all there, and I just chose to see what I wanted:

• phone calls
• the dementia/ wandering
• the hoarding
• the reclusiveness (not wanting to travel)
• the body shaking
• the apartment falling apart
• the rotting food
• hiding things in the apartment
• lack of writing, reading, TV
• etc.

I hated seeing my grandmother living in the conditions she was. It literally tore at my heart. Having the aide only made it worse too because she barely did anything ( a bold statement that I wouldn’t make unless it was true).

So, then why wouldn’t I now want to see my grandmother in what I have to believe is a better place?

She was tired. She had no quality of life for the last few years now, if you ask me.

Maybe this is what I needed to realize in order to let her go.

I just want her to be happy…but happiness is difficult to quantify- especially when you are on the receiving end of the communicative spectrum.

I keep thinking back to earlier today when my grandmother squeezed my hand twice. I know that I should believe that this movement was involuntary, but I’ll never know.

12:40 am