12:19 am
Today was a little better. It was the first day that I’ve managed to get through without crying.
Progress I guess.
I’m afraid of forgetting about grandma. Will I eventually forget what her voice sounds like, the way she smelled, or how it felt to hold her hand… or what it felt like to have her arms around me giving me a hug?
Cleaning out her apartment with Kenny yesterday was difficult. A baby spoon with my name inscribed on the handle, carelessly placed on a shelf above her kitchen sink; a pair of sneakers shoved under a dusty bed; an old sewing machine; 2 silver bangles misplaced in a kitchen cupboard next to her prescription medication…so many questions left unanswered such as, “What really happened that led to her going to the hospital?”
I tend to have my doubts.
For instance, when my mom and I stopped by on Saturday, right after grandma had passed, I looked in the fridge, and it was almost totally empty. Packages of unopened spices and other food-all wasted because the aide wasn’t using it…so then what was she feeding grandma? Feeling guilty because it should’ve been me taking care of grandma versus some stranger who didn’t care. And what happened to her jewelry? She had rings- where were they?
Kenny and I went through everything, and the only things I found were the 2 silver bangles that she always used to wear. Some old hats, a bunch of pictures, sunglasses, prescription glasses, a stack of old records and meticulously kept bills are all that is left of my grandmother’s 79 years on this earth. Strange though..how I feel like I really lost her back when we first discovered her beginning battles with Alzheimer’s in 2004.
I remember going to visit her and being so upset at the fact that she had this rusted can opener. I watched her struggle with it as she opened a can of salmon to cook me the last meal she would ever make: corned beef with (pink salmon-I think), diced onion and rice. It was delicious, and I think that part of me knew it would be the last meal that she ever made me.
I keep waiting for a sign from grandma and from God- something to make me feel more at ease- give me some direction for what we should do about the funeral arrangements. It almost seems somewhat insulting that death should be so expensive.
I want grandma’s body to rest in peace, but the exorbitant costs to bury loved ones in New York seems to be working against us.
My heart is heavy. I can barely remember my grandmother the way that she used to be before her mind started to go. What would’ve happened to her if we hadn’t been there to step in? She was always so sweet and quiet. I honestly never heard her complain about anything- yet here I am- her granddaughter- the exact opposite and NOTORIOUS for complaining.
My first real introduction to death through the one human being I held so close to my heart.
I missed you even before you were gone, grandma.
12:44 am
What resonated with you?